Single and NOT ready to mingle

What happens when you’re truly single? No one to turn to daily when you want affection, no one to hold you at night, no one to come home to or help you around the house. No one to compliment you when you look good or to point out the moments of admiration when you do something. No one you can lay your head on to hear their heartbeat. No one to be a team with or to have your back when things go wrong. No one to ground you when you’re overwhelmed, overstimulated, stressed to the max. 

Only YOU.

 Granted so many people in a relationship feel like they have none of these things but they’re still with someone and that beats the alternative….. right? Being single seems to be just a sad waiting period, a transition for the next person to come along & give us a spark so we aren’t left with our thoughts or even worse- sitting at a table alone while people feel sorry for us. We despise this period. There’s nothing here for us. The solitude is suffocating. Our worth dwindling…. But is it? 

Most people say they like being alone- yet rarely is anyone fully single for an extended period of time after becoming an adult. I’m talking a year or more not just months. We usually still have someone we keep in our back pockets to get what our emotions need OR our singlehood is short lived as we put ourselves right back into the rat race of dating because being single for too long means something is wrong with us…right? The pressures from the dating/hooking up culture along with the image that being single is pathetic and makes you unloveable can be daunting. We are more than willing to throw ourselves into someone’s arms before we’ve even had a chance to learn what we really want OR (and brace yourself - yes YOU) OR before we’ve even had a chance to work on OURSELVES! Yes YOU have things you need to work on before you drag your tendencies into the next relationship and repeat the process. BUT aside from having the mindset of prepping ourselves for our next fling and once again swearing THIS person giving me butterflies is different & NOT just my hormones taking over my brain- can we just take some time to pause at this stage? Pause while being

SINGLE

Our emotions tend to ebb and flow yet each time we swear THIS feeling is going to stay forever, whether it be a bad one or a good one, BUT like always- the emotion slips away. I wonder- can the same be said about loneliness? That’s the biggest turn off Fromm being single - we hate the loneliness. We love the feeling of being wanted by someone, the tingles, the sparks, the excitement, so how could there POSSIBLY be something worth experiencing and digging into or even being truly happy with while being fully single? Waiting to find someone is one thing but what if that person

 never comes… 

or 

what if they’ve already come and gone?

 What’s left then? Do we just give up on life? Is all that’s worth living for just to be with someone? Of course there’s nothing wrong with enjoying that time but what about before or after? Who are we then? What do we do? Pick ourselves up and keep searching? Or what if

we don’t

What if we realized that these feelings of loneliness like our other feelings are natural & will come and go? What if we choose to see what else is out there besides being with someone? What if we decided to take time off from dating- extensive time. What if we began to learn about ourselves? Began to ENJOY doing things ALONE. What do you like to do? What hobbies would you like to try? What experiences would you like to have? What if each month or each week you began to do things solo, not waiting for others to do it with you, embracing the moment and fully enjoying it. What if we met people (friends) and genuinely wanted to get to know them without sizing them up on the dating scale? What if you start to find happiness in the routines of YOUR choice? Stillness & peace in YOUR space. The freedom to be who you want each day as a fresh new start without having to explain yourself or worse hurting someone because you’ve changed your mind. Learning your capacity for what you’re willing to tolerate. Becoming comfortable in your own body with your own thoughts. Organizing as much as you want or leaving chaotic doom piles around your house to your heart's content. Decorating your house to your liking or choosing not to decorate (seriously my bedroom is like a college dorm - tons of pictures taped and filling up an entire wall like a giant collage. Why? Bc it’s MY room & it makes me happy).

There are pros and cons to dating and being single but so many times we only look at the good for dating and the bad for being single. But what if this time we took a deep breath and plunge wholeheartedly into the benefits of being single. Being realistic and giving ourselves space and comfort during the times we feel lonely but keeping in mind those emotions will pass and on the other side-  the lesson of being truly comfortable with who we are and loving ourselves while growing into who we want to be. Finding power in relying on ourself and admiration for what we accomplish. Instead of filling the void with work we remember to take time to lean in and work through our feelings, learn about ourselves. Trying new things, especially something we never thought we would do just to see how we feel about it. 

Now If none of this speaks to you and you’re in an amazing happy relationship then honestly I’m happy for you. If none of this speaks to you because you really are happy being single and you don't struggle with it then I really am happy for you also. If none of this speaks to you because you hate my writing style- well I got nothing… but I respect you for hanging on this long. For the rest of you that struggle with this subject but are also tired of the dating rat race - y’all are my people. 

Rewind to a month ago - I watched a movie that was inappropriately titled ”How to be single”, while it really was a good movie, it was more so about dating than it was about being single. Granted you definitely never should look to Hollywood for advice but I was in the mood and felt like it could give me some ideas. Instead all it did was make me realize how much the idea of dating is shoved at us even when the focus was supposed to be about being single which made me tumble down this rabbit hole of a subject- can there be beauty in being truly single? Why are we so afraid of it? What can I learn about myself during this time period? Embracing that the time clock is ticking so instead of giving all of my energy to someone else that won't fully appreciate it I’ll take a break and give myself the time and focus I deserve. That sounds like a beautiful journey I’m willing to embark on. 

I asked a handful of my friends that have been single for quite some time- years actually- & interestingly they ALL touched on these 3 points:

1. Being single can be lonely- but it WILL pass

2. Being single is freeing, there’s a beauty & power when you are FULLY allowed to be your WHOLE self in your own space

3. Once you’ve been single for awhile you begin to prefer it as you start to be more picky with who you allow into your personal space on an intimate level

The idea of choosing to be single really isn’t of interest to most people but for me I’d like to know what it’s like to be myself fully while learning to enjoy my own company as I make my happiness MY OWN RESPONSIBILITY!